Of course, there was that lull period where I struggled to write anything. Some of that is to be expected, of course: I'm still in school and have to deal with all the homework. I also have other things I write, including novels, fanfiction, songs, and the occasional sporadic poem. However, most of that can be attributed to a lack of inspiration. Everything piled on top of everything and I just felt drained to the point where I was scrolling through my phone or pacing around my basement with my thoughts in tangles. The reason I write this blog is to get my thoughts out there, but there were times where it felt more like a chore than something fun, which is something I never want to talk about with writing (although my personal stuff never feels that way, if I'm being completely honest). That's why I had to close the tab, write some more of a novel, do AP European History reading so I could prepare for the exam (which I passed, yay!), and just take a break from the computer and breathe.
However, I had an epiphany while writing my Kiznaiver review, which was an anime series that I really enjoyed. This came in two parts: the first that I realized more recently, the second which has been building for a while that is so close to falling off my tongue and being out in the open. I'd like to share both and discuss as to how they're going to help me as this blog continues.
#1: I've really grown up
This is obvious, but it still hits me every day that I'm getting older. I've been looking back and revising my second trilogy this summer so I can make it a little better even though I'm not planning on sending it as a part of any query letters in the future. Boy, has it been painful sometimes. Most of the time I'm neutral, but there are some sections where I'm sitting and laughing hysterically because if I'd see them anywhere else, I would cringe and probably start yelling at whatever format it would be, page or screen. 2014 me thought I was being clever and subverting all of the tropes that plagued a lot of novels that I didn't like, but in reality, I was playing right into them. This isn't a bad thing if done well, but coming back after two years makes it glaringly obvious that I didn't do a good job. Plot points are dropped, my main female protagonist (who is also a special snowflake) trusts boys more than she does her female best friend and the other girls that pop up in the series (also, every other girl is incredibly rude), and the whole thing seems like something I'd hate now.
Despite my harsh bashing, I can honestly see why I loved writing The Sense Trilogy so much back then. I had considered being an author as a thing I wanted to do, but nothing had clicked into place yet in my head. These short novels were ways to test the waters, a place to unwind and have fun without worrying if people were going to like them, although I still hoped they would. Glimpses of the person I've become are throughout: I adore the concept still to this day, ethnic diversity is present, and there are gay side characters by the time the series is over. Plus, I can still vividly imagine the scenes of the novels in my head and exactly what the characters look like. I still need to make a collage to show the roots of all the people, but I think that'll come when I've finished revising everything.
Even with the revisions I've made, I've kept the tone and the structure of everything the same because I want to make one thing obvious: I've grown up. The more I've written both fiction and reviews, the more I see that it's still me yet younger. I can agree with the direction I took things, points I agreed on, and even characters I loved to focus on and write about are still some of my favorites today. However, much of my writing psyche has changed. Even though I still like writing romance, I don't want that to be the main focus of a story. I want to make my characters feel as real as possible, and if they make mistakes and I have them go down on paths seen so many times before, so be it (after all, we all occasionally mess up on accident). I want to stay in realistic fiction for a little while longer and paint a world like my own before going back into fantasy and painting one of my own creation (although it will be based on the real world). I want to add diversity to my books because even though it will be difficult due to me being white and of undisclosed sexuality, there needs to be better representation of ethnicity and sexuality in all kinds of fiction still. But, most of all, I want my books to actually be the appropriate novel length (50,000+ words). All the trilogy entries that I wrote when first starting could easily fit into one book for each series, but now I want to actually push myself to develop my characters as much as possible and let their journey fold out over a realistic period of time rather than a couple of days. I want to explore their friendships, their crushes, the things they like to do, the struggles they face, and I don't want to rush anything or make it seem it was there just because. I want all the elements to matter, and maybe with more revising, I can refine them and make them even better.
For my reviews and other posts on this blog, it's a little different. Although I still don't want to spoil books and anime to prevent enjoyment, I want to touch upon topics a little more in depth, bring to light my favorite aspects of characters or writing or themes so as to really sell something. I may not like everything I review on here (although that's only really happened once due to the complete lack of respect to the LGBT+ community, at least from what I interpreted). It's really the thing that came to me that I think cemented with getting older: I love talking about things I like and don't like. Music reviews are always a little hard just because I go through track by track, but going through each and every element of a song is part of the process of sharing an opinion. I never intend to hurt someone's feelings, and I know sometimes being negative is a little harsh, but I want to always be completely honest whenever I talk about something, either positive or negative. I'll mostly stay on the positive side of things, but if something really affects me negatively, know that I will talk about it.
This next point may tie in a bit with the first, but I think it's separate enough to make its own point.
#2: I want to be more confident
Last weekend, I went to an anime convention and attended a panel called It Gets Better, hosted by voice actor Greg Ayres, Brichibi Cosplays, and her partner, SnowCosplays. Although the movement itself is assuring LGBT+ kids that their lives will get better, this message of hope could be expanded to the con community as well. This included sticking up for people in cosplay who were made fun of, reporting inappropriate behavior to staff members, and making sure everyone is having a wonderful time at the convention. It not only made me feel proud to be dressed in my Atsushi Nakajima cosplay (who is just too adorable for words)
and to be surrounded by a bunch of wonderful people, but it also made me feel confident in standing up for myself and others who are feeling down or are being made miserable. No one should suffer the wrath of a bully for anything, and if I see something right in front of me that seems dangerous, I know I should act on it or at least offer support for them.
It also made me feel more confident to be honest to myself and what I want to do. I want to keep writing both novels and posts for my blog, I want to try and expand myself and use the camera I got for Christmas that I haven't used yet and film videos to put them on YouTube, whether they be comedy sketches or live versions of reviews or stuff where I talk about books and just other stuff, I want to draw from personal experiences and share more about my life without going too far, but the biggest thing I want to expand on is honesty, not just about opinions, but myself. Aside from being a very optimistic person who loves to write, act, sing, read, watch anime, and smile, there's stuff that I haven't addressed yet that I feel like I will in some way, shape, or form down the road. If you've seen the evolution in my writing, you might be able to guess, but in the meantime, I'm starting to open myself up to these changes myself and realizing that there's nothing wrong with them and nothing to be ashamed of. People may knock me down, but I always know there will be people who support me no matter what.
I can't wait until that day when I can officially say what I want to stay without feeling ashamed, blushing, or mumbling. I'll be courageous and smile when I speak the words, and hopefully people accept them with open arms.
Anyway, that's it from me! I hope this next year on The Writings of Luke Reynolds not only brings me more reviews, more random posts, but maybe even a platform to post scripts or blog versions for upcoming videos that I desperately want to film. Until then, I hope I continue to grow up while holding on to my youth and watching my confidence blossom. Until next time!
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